Today marks six years. Six years since the worst day of my life. The day I lost the best of me. Those who say time heals all wounds have obviously never experienced a real loss. There are some things time can’t erase.
On certain days I still feel the pain so fresh it feels like yesterday. I still remember holding you in my arms as you took your last breath. I still remember screaming out to your brother in the other room to get me my phone. I remember calling your dad while still holding your lifeless body. Wishing it was a mistake. That your next breath was coming any moment. I remember your dads voice on the phone. How do I tell him you’re gone? I was unable to form the words between my sobs but he already knew. I remember sitting there waiting for the ambulance to come and take your body. They waited in the hall until we were ready to say goodbye. It felt so wrong sending your small body alone with strangers to make the trip across the country to your funeral. Even though we knew the time was coming soon it still felt like a bad dream.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes you learn how to better deal with them. How to better cover them up. To make yourself seem more like a complete person again. But inside there is still a hole. You will never be the same complete person you were. How could you be? It’s impossible to experience such a loss and not forever be changed.
Some changes are for the worse and some are for the better. You taught me so much in your short 5 years here. I learned to tell the people I love that I love them often. I learned to appreciate what I have in life. And most importantly I learned that life is so precious. It can be taken away at any moment so make the most of it. Do more of what makes you happy. Let the little things go. While I’m far from perfect I try to live these lessons every day.
I miss your hugs. They were the best. I miss our Starbucks dates. I miss our lazy mornings on the couch watching your favorite shows. I miss your hand hugs. I miss your silly dances. You really had the best sense of humor. I miss that so much, especially on days like today. Even though the time I had with you was cut far too short I’m so thankful I had the time I had with you. I promised you we would always be together and I meant it. I carry your soul with me.