This post is going to be real and from the heart. So if you came here for puppies and rainbows today you might want to stop reading now. I’m hoping I can write out this jumble of thoughts in a way that makes sense. I have never claimed to be an excellent writer so please forgive any grammatical errors. If you’re an english major, you’ve been warned.
Lately I’ve been struggling to feel like I’m enough. Maybe its the winter weather, my least favorite season because I hate cold. Or maybe its a refection of the depression I have been dealing with since my son’s death 5 years ago. Either way I have decided to write out my feelings in hopes that maybe it will be therapeutic for me. If it helps someone else feel like they aren’t alone then I guess it was worth sharing.
As women we are expected to wear a lot of hats. Sometimes that can lead to increased pressure and feeling inadequate. I often find myself feeling like I’m failing. There are plenty of women who have more on their plates than I do and they still seem to have it all together. Yet I feel like I’m struggling to keep up with the most basic things. When I do start to excel in one area of my life I feel like I’m failing at others. I just can’t seem to get it all together. So I start to compare myself to the popular bloggers I see on social media who seem to have it all. The perfect life. The perfectly styled house. The seemingly endless supply of cute outfits. Looking at their blogs makes me feel like I need to be more, to have more, to do more.
All of this pressure and comparison leads me to feeling like who I am is not enough. I’m still trying to find my place in this world, my meaning. Not having it all together makes it feel like I’ve failed. Like anything short of perfect or exceptional is a failure. Aren’t we all pushed to be exceptional? To leave an impression on this world?
There is nothing particularly special about me. I’m not the picture perfect woman in the size 4 pants and the perfect makeup. I don’t have the flawless skin and impeccable style. In fact most days you’ll find me with no makeup on wearing a hat and yoga pants. I was never the pretty girl in the group, just the average looking friend. I’m not fit or skinny but I’m also not obese. I’m just a average sized woman with a little extra cushion in the middle that I’m always trying to hide. I don’t have the perfectly styled house full of decor that all comes together just right. Nothing about my house really stands out as blog worthy, its just average.
I would love to one day make a living off of my love for home decor like those popular bloggers I follow. But when I compare myself to them I don’t feel like I could ever live up to the standard they have set. There is nothing about me in particular that would draw people in to want to know more. I’m not an expert at anything. Hell, I’m still just trying to figure it out as I go along. I don’t have their perfect pictures. My house will never be styled like those popular bloggers. You know the ones that look like a magazine feature, not a place someone actually lives. That’s just not me. My house is functional, cozy, lived in.
All those things may mean I never will never be a popular home decor blogger. Or maybe that will be what draws more people to my blog. Because I am imperfect, as most of us are. Being imperfect provides some solidarity. There are more of us in the middle ground than there are the perfect women we see on social media. Maybe I shouldn’t feel such a constant pressure, often self induced, to be more or have more. Maybe I need to realize that who I am is enough and that imperfect isn’t a bad thing to be. I don’t have it all together, in fact most times I’m a hot mess and maybe that’s okay. If I have learned one thing in life its that life doesn’t usually go as I planned. Maybe I need to embrace the ride and find solace in the fact that I’m not alone. There are way more women in this world just like me, just trying to keep it all together.